I have my surgery tomorrow. I'm scared, and usually I'm not. I cleaned out my office today and since then I've been real depressed. It's just getting worse. I wanted to go out with friends tonight to help perk me up but I can't find anyone. Even my parents turned me down. My heart hurts, I'm going to lay down for a bit. I can't wait until Bobby gets home... I need human contact.
Sigh. :(
Monday, December 1, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Cold Fusion
Long story short:
March 23, 2004 I ran a red-light and hit a armored van. I survived with only a broken wrist. It healed. September 14, 2007 I tripped on the new tile at work and tried to break my fall. I broke my wrist again instead. 3 Surgeries, 11 bottles of pain killers, and 73 doctors’ visits later, I’m still dealing with it.
Short long story over.
Who knew that the scaphoid bone of our wrists were so brittle and prone to breakage? Who new that it was one of the slowest healing bones in the human body? Who knew that bone pain is the worse because there is no real relief from it?
Okay plenty of doctors and other people who have had broken bones know all of this, but I didn’t.
It’s not the pain that gets to me, I’d rather deal with the pain on a daily basis than have to become addicted to pain pills. And I have.
It’s the amount of time that has been wasted on a bone an inch in size.
Monday, November 3, 2008, I went to the doctor again, hoping to hear good news about my wrist. Instead, my fears came to light, and I wasn’t ready to look into the brightness.
My wrist is not healing. I had three surgeries and that is all I can have because anything more would just compromise the structural integrity of the bone and I would be in chronic pain until death. The doctor gave me three options.
Wrist fusion- Fuse my wrist with 8-10 screws and lose all wrist movement permanently. 12 weeks recovery, but overall will be able to return to work with little to no change.
Remove the bottom row of bones of the wrist- Have a weak wrist not able to lift more than 20lbs, only have 50% range of motion, and become arthritic at an early age.
Do nothing- Remain in pain forever, not be able to lift anything, only have 20% range of motion.
I have three weeks to decide, but I’m leaning towards the fusion. I’ll never play the piano again and I’ll even have to give up the harp, but that’s life, I guess.
March 23, 2004 I ran a red-light and hit a armored van. I survived with only a broken wrist. It healed. September 14, 2007 I tripped on the new tile at work and tried to break my fall. I broke my wrist again instead. 3 Surgeries, 11 bottles of pain killers, and 73 doctors’ visits later, I’m still dealing with it.
Short long story over.
Who knew that the scaphoid bone of our wrists were so brittle and prone to breakage? Who new that it was one of the slowest healing bones in the human body? Who knew that bone pain is the worse because there is no real relief from it?
Okay plenty of doctors and other people who have had broken bones know all of this, but I didn’t.
It’s not the pain that gets to me, I’d rather deal with the pain on a daily basis than have to become addicted to pain pills. And I have.
It’s the amount of time that has been wasted on a bone an inch in size.
Monday, November 3, 2008, I went to the doctor again, hoping to hear good news about my wrist. Instead, my fears came to light, and I wasn’t ready to look into the brightness.
My wrist is not healing. I had three surgeries and that is all I can have because anything more would just compromise the structural integrity of the bone and I would be in chronic pain until death. The doctor gave me three options.
Wrist fusion- Fuse my wrist with 8-10 screws and lose all wrist movement permanently. 12 weeks recovery, but overall will be able to return to work with little to no change.
Remove the bottom row of bones of the wrist- Have a weak wrist not able to lift more than 20lbs, only have 50% range of motion, and become arthritic at an early age.
Do nothing- Remain in pain forever, not be able to lift anything, only have 20% range of motion.
I have three weeks to decide, but I’m leaning towards the fusion. I’ll never play the piano again and I’ll even have to give up the harp, but that’s life, I guess.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
In Today's News...
Have you ever noticed how bad everything is in the news? People are getting raped, murdered, pillaged and squandered every second. There are wars breaking out between nations, failing economies that are failing even more, global warming, the Bush Administration. No wonder everyone takes drugs these days. A decade ago to be on anti-depressants was a secret that you didn’t want anyone to know. Now you hear people bragging about what milligrams of Prozac® they are on.
We’re getting to be in a surgery society it seems. We know bad things are going to happen to us but instead of meeting them head-on we take all the drugs we can to make the world numb if not completely non-existent to us.
I’m not picking on anyone here either. I take (should take) my share of meds. I have severe social anxiety disorder. I cannot be in tight quarters with people I don’t know. I have absolutely horrible panic attacks where I can feel every movement of my heart from my throat to my kidneys. I sweat profusely (ew – I know) and start to hyperventilate (not good when my asthma is being uncooperative). Sometimes after an attack (panic not asthma) I have to just sit and kind of meditate for a while and recollect my sanity.
It really sucks because it keeps me from doing things that I want to do like going to movies, concerts, plays, musicals, festivals, and so much more. Going grocery shopping at “normal” hours (when “day” people are usually out and about) is even an absolute chore. Sometimes I panic before even getting to a place just because of the anticipation. I wont even bring up my last trip to Disney World (AAAGGHH!!).
I’m finding more and more that it’s not even the panic attacks that bother me so much though. It’s my family and friends’ perceptions of me when I’m not able to participate in something, or I don’t meet their expectations of completing what they see as a relatively mundane task. Even though I’ve been diagnosed with it, getting people to be empathetic can be nearly impossible.
I used to take buspirone to help me coexist with humans. It worked, but the side effects were horrible. If I didn’t take it about 15-30 minutes before falling asleep I would get this horrible flushing sensation and think I was dying. So obviously, I quit taking it.
I didn’t always have this problem, but that’s another blog altogether. I’m tired of talking about it now. When I get off work I’m going to dinner with Bobby and his friend Amy. I would like to ask if they want to go to the fair too, but I’m not feeling it tonight, I’d love to whirl on the tilt, but I imagine there would be far too many people there for my liking.
We’re getting to be in a surgery society it seems. We know bad things are going to happen to us but instead of meeting them head-on we take all the drugs we can to make the world numb if not completely non-existent to us.
I’m not picking on anyone here either. I take (should take) my share of meds. I have severe social anxiety disorder. I cannot be in tight quarters with people I don’t know. I have absolutely horrible panic attacks where I can feel every movement of my heart from my throat to my kidneys. I sweat profusely (ew – I know) and start to hyperventilate (not good when my asthma is being uncooperative). Sometimes after an attack (panic not asthma) I have to just sit and kind of meditate for a while and recollect my sanity.
It really sucks because it keeps me from doing things that I want to do like going to movies, concerts, plays, musicals, festivals, and so much more. Going grocery shopping at “normal” hours (when “day” people are usually out and about) is even an absolute chore. Sometimes I panic before even getting to a place just because of the anticipation. I wont even bring up my last trip to Disney World (AAAGGHH!!).
I’m finding more and more that it’s not even the panic attacks that bother me so much though. It’s my family and friends’ perceptions of me when I’m not able to participate in something, or I don’t meet their expectations of completing what they see as a relatively mundane task. Even though I’ve been diagnosed with it, getting people to be empathetic can be nearly impossible.
I used to take buspirone to help me coexist with humans. It worked, but the side effects were horrible. If I didn’t take it about 15-30 minutes before falling asleep I would get this horrible flushing sensation and think I was dying. So obviously, I quit taking it.
I didn’t always have this problem, but that’s another blog altogether. I’m tired of talking about it now. When I get off work I’m going to dinner with Bobby and his friend Amy. I would like to ask if they want to go to the fair too, but I’m not feeling it tonight, I’d love to whirl on the tilt, but I imagine there would be far too many people there for my liking.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Being a Sibling
As siblings we aspire with one another, compete with one another, we’re jealous of one another, support one another and most of all we love one another. Sometimes one of those overpowers another and makes us lose sight of everything else. If only we could maintain a balance of it all and the sun could rise and set as it always should.
Recently my sister and I had a disagreement and even though that was only on Saturday, I don’t see anything good coming from this. I have a tendency to bottle things up. I’ve always done it and I’ve always known I shouldn’t, but I do it anyway. I was really hoping that this would just be another easily recoverable issue but after last night I know it isn’t. I sent her an email in response to a hurtful text message she sent me and I regretted sending it. I typed every wrong thing I could think of. I fear that she may never talk to me again.
One of the things that people who know me can recognize about me is that I have a quick and direct whit and can put a complete stranger in their place in as few words as possible. There is a darker side to that to, I really can be an asshole when I want to be and I know how to drill my fingers into people’s open wounds. In anger I attacked my sister where I know she is most vulnerable, and I kept attacking, and kept attacking. I was relentless and now I have to deal with the repercussions that I have dealt myself.
I can’t live without my sister. I don’t even think I could try.
Recently my sister and I had a disagreement and even though that was only on Saturday, I don’t see anything good coming from this. I have a tendency to bottle things up. I’ve always done it and I’ve always known I shouldn’t, but I do it anyway. I was really hoping that this would just be another easily recoverable issue but after last night I know it isn’t. I sent her an email in response to a hurtful text message she sent me and I regretted sending it. I typed every wrong thing I could think of. I fear that she may never talk to me again.
One of the things that people who know me can recognize about me is that I have a quick and direct whit and can put a complete stranger in their place in as few words as possible. There is a darker side to that to, I really can be an asshole when I want to be and I know how to drill my fingers into people’s open wounds. In anger I attacked my sister where I know she is most vulnerable, and I kept attacking, and kept attacking. I was relentless and now I have to deal with the repercussions that I have dealt myself.
I can’t live without my sister. I don’t even think I could try.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Birthdays and other reasons not to go on living...
"Money is appropriate, and one size fits all." - William Randolph Hearst on suggestions for gifts.I'm almost 24. In two days I'll have to endure the 7am phone calls from random family members calling to wish me a happy one. My birthday is on a Saturday this year and I'm not a nice person at 7am on a Saturday morning. I hope no one cries this year.
Why is so important to celebrate a day that you are pushed out of a woman screaming, crying, scared, covered in your own excrement (among other things), and naked? Then people insist on giving you gifts like they are sorry it happened.
I remember how fun birthdays were when I was younger, for some reason my 4th is always the most vivid. I'm not totally sure why except maybe because I fell down the stairs and busted my chin and it turned out to not be that much fun at all.
On Saturday I'm going to my parents for grilled burgers. I hope all goes well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
